All-Time Best of the....
WORST COUNTRY SONG TITLES!

• All I Want From You (Is Away)
  Written by Bobby Harden (ASCAP)
• All My Exes Live In Texas
• All the Guys that Turn Me On Turn Me Down
  Written by Gene Plott, Harold Powell & Roni Stoneman (BMI) (courtesy of "Narkspud")
• Am I Double Parked by the Curbstone of Your Heart?  (courtesy of Michael)
  Double Parked Heart by Jim Pollock (BMI) (Could this be the same song?)
• An Old Flame Can't Hold A Candle To You
  Several songs in the databases called "Old Flame."
• Are You Drinkin With Me Jesus? (courtesy of Sylvester)
  by Mojo Nixon, Country Dick Montana, Peter & Louise Berryman (BMI)
  According to Sylvester, the song contains the truly touching lyrics:
  "Does your head pound Jesus as hung over you do rise....how does paradise look Jesus, through holy bloodshot eyes...
  Should we take a cab home Jesus...aw man we can hoof it from here...
  I know you can walk on the water but can you walk on this much beer?"
• Are You on the Top 40 of the Lord? (courtesy of Joel)
• At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump (courtesy of Barry)
  Apparently this is from a Weird Al Yankovic song, "One More Minute." But it sounds like a country title, so I'll keep it!
• Beauty is Only Skin Deep, but Ugly Goes Clean to the Bone (courtesy of Ken)
  I've found 2 songs titled "Beauty is Only Skin Deep" - one was recorded by The Temptations and The Miracles and won a BMI Songwriting Award for Eddie Holland & Norman Whitfield..
  The other was written by Francis Burke & Don Raye (ASCAP)
• Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears (courtesy of Jim)
  According to Lynn, this was recorded by Peter Drake.
• Bubba Shot The Jukebox
• Bubba's Inconvenience Store
  by Bett Butler (BMI)
• Come out of the Wheatfield Nellie, You're Going Against the Grain (courtesy of Louis)
  Apparently heard in Liverpool, 30 years ago. Wasn't there anything better to listen to in Liverpool 30 years ago???
• Cow Cow Blues       Written by Charles "Cow Cow" Davenport (ACAP), and recorded by Bing Crosby, among others.
  Not a country song at all, as it turns out, but I've left it on the list because of the title's similarity to...
• Cow Cow Boogie (Moo Moo My Love)
  This one's been performed by everyone from The Judds to Mel Torme, according to ASCAP. Also not to be confused with...
• Cow Cow Strut
  by Barbara Chamberlin (SOCAN)
• Did I Shave my Legs for This? by Deana Carter (courtesy of Scott)
• Don't Believe My Heart Can Stand Another You.
  by Tanya Tucker (BMI)
• Don't Chop Any Wood Mother, I'm Comin' in With a Load! (courtesy of Garnet)
• Don't Come Home a-Drinkin' With Lovin' on Yo-mind
  by Loretta Lynn (BMI) (courtesy of Hamp)
• Don't Give Me A Plastic Saddle 'Cuz I Want To Feel That Leather When I Ride (courtesy of Diane)
• Don't Make Love To a Country Music Singer
  written by Robert Morrison & Dale WM Thomas (ASCAP)
• Don't Roll Those Bloodshot Eyes at Me (courtesy of Richard)
  Several songs called "Bloodshot Eyes" in the database.
• Don't Squeeze My Sharmon. (Yes, that IS the correct spelling)
  Written by Carl Belew & Van Givens (BMI)
• Don't Strike A Match (To The Book Of Love)
  Written by Pat Alger & Hal Ketchum (BMI)
• Drop Kick Me Jesus (Through The Goal Posts Of Life.)
  Written by Paul Charles Craft
• Feelin' Single and Drinkin' Doubles
  Written by Donald Fagan & Johnnie Masters (BMI)
• Feelin' Single and Seein' Double (courtesy of Laurence)
  by Emmy Lou Harris (Elite Hotel album, says Laurence) - written by Wayne Kemp (BMI)
• Four on the Floor and a Fifth Under the Seat
  Written by Rex Pearce (BMI) (courtesy of Rick)
• Get Off The Stove,Grandma, You're Too Old To Ride The Range
  by Colin Hartridge (SOCAN)
• Get Off the Table, Mabel (The Two Dollars is for the Beer)
  by Bull Moose Jackson
• Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In The Bed.
  Written by Richard Friedman (BMI)
• Git Up Off'n the Floor Hannah (a Bitter New Year's Eve)
  by Red Ingle and the Natural Seven, Written by Foster Carling & Joe Washburne (ASCAP) (courtesy of "Narkspud")
• Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms
  by the Austin Lounge Lizards (ASCAP)
• Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart.
  Written by Liz Anderson (BMI)
• Hand me the Pool Cue and Call Yourself an Ambulance (courtesy of Tom, who isn't sure it's a real song)
• He's got a Way with Women...and He's Just got Away with Mine (courtesy of Mick)
  A whopping 17 songs titled "He's Got a Way With Women" in the BMI database.
• Her Only Bad Habit Is Me
  Believe it or not, three songs with this title in the BMI database.
• Here's A Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)
  by Travis Tritt - "It's All About to Change" (several folks submitted this one)
• He Went To Sleep and The Hogs Ate Him (Now Claude's Gone Forever) (courtesy of Pam)
  Pam says - "don't know who wrote/recorded it. used to be on the jukebox at Lester's Cafe Howdy, Cleveland OH. (mercifully demolished back in the '80s)"
  BMI database says it's written by Nathaniel Nathan, Gene Redd & Ray Starr.
• High Cost of Low Living
  by John Steele & James Sloane (ASCAP)
• Hog Sloppin' Time in the Hollow (courtesy of Bob, who claims it's "A true love song")
  by Chuck Mayfield - Written by Antell & Tyler (BMI)
• Hold On To Your Men..Cause she's Single Again (courtesy of Susan)
• How Can I Get Over You if You Won't Get Out from Under Me? (courtesy of Dan)
  How Can I Get Over You Till You Get Out from Under Him? (alternate title courtesy of Mike)
• How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
  Written by Leonard Linnehan & Louis Philip Perry (ASCAP) (courtesy of Charles)
  But there are a half-dozen songs with this title in the BMI database!
• How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You, When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?
  According to Murphy, this song was written for the film Royal Wedding starring Fred Astaire, and was a novelty dance number.
  This is confirmed by Esther, who remembers hearing the song as a little girl in the 1930s and 40s. Matti confirms it was written specifically for the film.
  Burton Lane & Alan Jay Lerner (ASCAP)
• How Come My Dog Don't Bark (When You Come Around)? (courtesy of Steve)
  by Dr. John
• How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?
  by Mel Tillis (BMI)
• How Did You Get so Ugly Overnight? (courtesy of Mark, who's not sure it's a real song either)
• I-95 Asshole Song (courtesy of Stacy)
  written by Fred August Campbell (BMI)
• I Bought the Shoes that Just Walked Out on Me
  2 songs with this title in the BMI database (courtesy of Rick)
• I Can't Pass the Bar, and There's One on my Way Home (courtesy of Rick)
• I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life (courtesy of Charles)
• I Don't Care if it Rains or Freezes 'Long as I Have My Plastic Jesus Sittin' on the Dashboard of my Car
  a.k.a. "Plastic Jesus" by Ernie Marrs (courtesy of Bill)
• I Don't Do Floors
  by Don Cook & Charles Victor Rains (ASCAP)
• I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
  by Thom Sharpe (courtesy of Gail, who tells me he wrote a number of comedy songs)
• I Fell for Her, She Fell for Him, and He Fell for Me (courtesy of "Narkspud")
• I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me (courtesy of Charles)
• I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart 
  Written by Jack Clement (BMI) (courtesy of Charles)
• I Gave Her My Heart And A Diamond And She Clubbed Me With A Spade (courtesy of Bruce)
• I Gave Her the Ring, and She Gave Me the Finger (courtesy of Maureen)
• I Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Bed Crying On My Pillow Over You.
  According to ASCAP, the acutal title is simply, "Tears In My Ears"
• I Got the Hungries for Your Love, and I'm Waitin In Your Welfare Line (courtesy of John)
  Apparently written & performed by Buck Owens
• I Got Through Everything But The Door
• I Guess I Had Your Leavin' Coming
  by Vern Gosdin (ASCAP)
• I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You 
  Written by Byron Gallimore, Don Pfrimmer & William Shore (BMI) (courtesy of Charles)
• I May Be Used, But Baby I Ain't Used Up
• I Only Miss You On The Days That End In " Y " (courtesy of Frank)
• I Sat Down On A Beartrap (Just This Morning)
• I Sent Her Artifical Flowers For Her Artificial Love
  There are 4 songs called "Artificial Flowers" in the BMI database (courtesy of Jerry)
• I Spent My Last Ten Dollars on Birth Control and Beer (courtesy of Rennie )
  by 2 Nice Girls (on their self-titled 1989 album) - written by Clara Phillips (BMI)
• I Still Miss You Baby...  But My Aim is Getting Better (courtesy of Eric)
• I Want a Beer as Cold as My Ex-Wife's Heart (courtesy of Dan)
• I Wanted You To Leave Until You Left Me.
• Wanna Be A Blue Light Special In The K Mart Of Your Heart (courtesy of Gene, who "heard it in a little bar in Covington, Kentucky... And yes, it was as bad as it sounds like it would be.)
  There are a surprising 11 songs titled "Blue Light Special" in the BMI database!
• I Wanna Whip Your Cow  (courtesy of Charles)
• I Was Looking Back to See If You Were Looking Back to See If I Was Looking Back to See if You Were Looking Back at Me
  According to Sean, this may be "I Looked Back" by Jimmy Eaton & Larry Wagner, recorded by Perry Como.
  If that's the case, I think we can safely move it out of the "country" category!
  On the other hand, according to Steve, it was a duet performed by Buck Owens and Susan Raye in the 1960s, called "Looking Back to See,"
  which would move it right back into the "country" category.
  Finally, according to Beth, it was originally recorded by Red Sovine and Goldie Hill.
• I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me
  by Rev.Billy C. Wirtz (courtesy of Zev)
• I Went Out On A Limb and Fell Off the Family Tree (courtesy of Brad)
• I Wish I Were A Lesbian
  by Loudon Wainwright III (ASCAP)
• I Wish I Were A Woman (So I Could Go Out With A Guy Like Me)  (courtesy of Mick)
• I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck! (courtesy of Charles)
  According to Shalom, the actual title of this song is "I Couldn't Spell !!*@!" , by Sam The Sham & The Pharaohs (same guys who hit it big with Wooly Bully).
  It came out in 1968 on M-G-M #13972, and was their last Top 40 song.
• I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win  (courtesy of Charles)
• I'd Rather Hear A Fat Girl Fart Than A Pretty Boy Sing (courtesy of Mike)
• I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night With You
• If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You.
  by Freddie Hart (BMI)
• If I Ain't Got It, You Don't Need It.
  Two songs with this title in the BMI database
• If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You  (courtesy of Charles)
• If I'd Killed You When I Wanted To, I'd be Out of Jail By Now (courtesy of Tom)
  by Reuben Darnell
• If I Had It To Do All Over Again, I'd Do It All Over You
  by Dan Hicks and his Hot Licks (courtesy of Peter)
• If I Had My Life to Live Over, I'd Live Over a Delicatessen (courtesy of Mike)
• If I Were In Your Shoes, I'd Walk Right Back To Me
  Five songs in the BMI database caleed "If I Were In Your Shoes" (courtesy of Mick)
• If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low (courtesy of Charles)
• If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You  (courtesy of Charles and Ray)
• If My Nose Was Running Money, Honey, I'd Blow It Al On You (Title from BMI database)
• If I Had a Nose Full of Nickels, I'd Sneeze Them All Atchoo! (Another version of the title)
• If She Hadn't Been So Good Lookin' I Might Have Seen the Train  (courtesy of Phil)
• If the Devil Danced in Empty Pockets, He'd Have a Ball in Mine
  by Joe Diffie (ASCAP) (courtesy of Jennifer)
• If The Jukebox Took Teardrops
  2 songs with this title listed in the ASCAP database.
• If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me
  by Jimmy Buffett, also recorded by Crystal Gayle (ASCAP) (courtesy of Carol)
• If Today Was a Fish, I'd Throw It Back In
  3 songs titled "If Today Was a Fish" in the BMI database. (courtesy of Rick & Frank)
• If You Can't Be Good, Be Bad With Me
  Written by Tim Bussey & Mark Maxwell (BMI)
• If You Can't Be Good, Son, Be Good At It
  by Neal McCoy (BMI) (courtesy of Betsy)
• If You Can't Bite, Don't Growl.
  by Tommy Collins (BMI)
• If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead?
  Written by Benjamin Costello, Alexis Feltham & Jason Whalley (BMI) (courtesy of Simon)
• If You Don't Leave Me, I'll Find Someone Who Will (courtesy of Barry)
• If You Ever Get the Feelin' I Don't Love You, Feel Again.
• If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
  Three songs in the BMI database with this title. (courtesy of Charles)
• If You Leave Me I'm Gone
  by Hunter Davis (ASCAP)
• If You Really Loved Me, You'd Leave (courtesy of Phil)
• If You Got the Money, Honey, I Got the Time
  by Hank Williams (courtesy of Bill)
• If You’re Gonna Do Him Wrong Again, You Might As Well Do Him Wrong Again With Me! (courtesy of Peter)
• If You're Gonna Do Me Wrong, Do It Right (courtesy of Kathy)
  by Vern Gosdin & Max Barnes (BMI)
• If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put it Next to My Ex-Wife's Heart (courtesy of Blair)
• If You Want Your Freedom PDQ, Divorce Me COD
  Written by Cliffie Stone & Merle Travis. Also recorded by Boxcar Willie and Glen Campbell.
• If Whiskey Were A Woman, I'd Be Married For Sure.
  Written by Stuart Holdsworth, Jack Routh & Randy Sharp (BMI)
• I Like Bananas Because They Have No Bones
  by Hoosier Hot Shots, Written by Chris Yacich (ASCAP) (courtesy of "Narkspud")
• I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
• I'll Tennessee You In My Dreams
• I'm Drinkin Christmas Dinner (All Alone This Year) (courtesy of Stephen)
  by Mac Davis & Freddy Weller (BMI)
• I'm Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home.
• I'm Gonna Put a Bar in the Back of my Car and Drive Myself to Drink
  From the album "Fear of Frying" by a Marin County (California) band called"Eggs Over Easy", around 1968 (courtesy of Mark)
  Unfornutately, according to Eric, "After years of searching, I have finally obtained a copy of the album "Fear of Frying" by the Marin County band "Eggs Over Easy". And, I must report, there is no song titled "I'm gonna put a bar in the back of my car and drive myself to drink" Nothing even remotely similar. Nor does this line, or anything similar to this line, appear in any song on the album. Still, it's a great title"
• I'm Here To Get My Baby Out Of Jail
  Two songs with this title in the BMI database.
• I'm In Love With A Capital U (courtesy of Sara Kate)
  by Country Joe Diffie. Written by Nelson & Wiseman (BMI)
• I'm Just an Old Chunk of Coal (But I'm Gonna be a Diamond Someday) (courtesy of Neo)
  written by Billy Joe Shaver (BMI) Recorded by Johnny Cash and John Anderson, among others.
• I'm Quittin' Wild Turkey Cold Turkey
  Believe it or not, 24 songs called "Cold Turkey" in the BMI database. Only 13 called "Wild Turkey" (courtesy of Mandy)
• I'm So Miserable Without You, it's Almost like Having you Here (courtesy of Mike, who isn't sure it's a real song)
  There are several songs called "I'm So Miserable Without You" in the BMI database.
  But Tina says it was written by Jimmy Folker and Korky May, from Oxford, PA.
• I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
  by Johnny Paycheck (BMI)
• I'm Under The Table Over You (courtesy of Buddy)
• Is It Cold in Here, or Is it Just You? (courtesy of Mark)
  The BMI database lists a song called "Is It Cold In Here" by Joe Diffie.
• It Only Takes One Bar (To Make A Prison)
  by Tracy Lawrence (ASCAP)
• I've Been Carrying a Torch for You so Long that it's Burned a Great Big Hole in my Heart
  by Nino Temple and April Stevens. There are 2 songs called "Carrying a Torch" in the BMI database.
• I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart.
  Written by Jack Clement (BMI)
• I've Been Roped And Throwed By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral.
• I've Got a Cowboy In The Saddle, and Another One's Holding My Horse (courtesy of Laurena)
  We now have independent confirmation of this one from Tracy, who has a copy of the '45! (1981 Acclaim Records Canada)
  by Iris Larrat - written by M.R. Garlow & Neil Patton Rogers
• I've Got the Cob, If You've Got the Corn (courtesy of Marvin)
• I've Got $5 And It's Saturday Night
• I've Heard that Tear Stained Monologue You do There by the Door Before You Go
  by John Hartford (courtesy of Joel)
• It Ain't Easy Being Easy
  by Roseanne Cash (courtesy of Pamela)
• It Took a Helluva Man to Take my Anne, but it Sure Didn't Take Him Long (courtesy of Rick)
• It's Not the High Cost of Living, It's the Cost of Living High (courtesy of Buddy)
• I've Got Those Feed 'Em In The Morning, Change 'Em, Feed 'Em In the Evenin' Blues
  by Tennessee Ernie Ford (BMI) (The official title is "Feed 'Em In The Morning Blues")
• I Would Kiss You Through the Screendoor but It'd Strain Our Love (courtesy of David)
• Jeremiah Peabody's Polyunsaturated Quick Dissolving Fast Acting Pleasant Tasting Green and Purple Pills
  by Ray Stevens (BMI) (courtesy of "Narkspud")
• Jesus Loves Me But He Can't Stand You (courtesy of Michael)
  by the Austin Lounge Lizards
• Jim, I Wore A Tie Today
• Last Night I Went to Bed with a "10" and Woke this Morning with a "2"
  by Willie Nelson (courtesy of Janet)
• Lay Something On My Bed Besides A Blanket
  Written by Daniel Hogan, Gladys & Ronny Scaife (BMI)
• Legendary Chicken Fairy
  by Jack Blanchard & Misty Morgan (BMI) (courtesy of "Narkspud")
• Let's Do Something Cheap and Superficial (courtesy of Dan)
  by Burt Reynolds (Smokey and the Bandit 2 soundtrack) written by Richard Levinson (BMI)
• Make Me Late For Work Today.
  Five songs with this title in the BMI database, including one by Paul Brandt.
• Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
  Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Baby's Head) (Conflicting submissions on this blues tune - anyone??)
  Get the Hammer Mama, There's a Head on Papa's Fly (Now that's the best one yet)
• Meet Me In the Gravel Pit, Honey, cuz I'm a Little Boulder There (courtesy of Maggie)
• Messed Up In Mexico, Living On Refried Dreams (courtesy of Jennifer, who said it was on heavy rotation on the radio in Montana)
• Mommy, Can I Still Call Him Daddy?
• My Give-A-Damn Is Broken (courtesy of Randy)
  written by Ammons-Baker-Martindale-Whisenhunt (BMI)
• My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus. (courtesy of Paul)
  by Jimmy Buffett
• My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart  (courtesy of Charles)
• My Lips Want to Stay (But My Heart Wants to Go)
  by Hank Wangford
• My Phone Ain't been Ringing, so I Guess it Wasn't You
• My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
  Written by Phil Earhart (BMI) (courtesy of Charles)
• Nashville Rash
  Written by Kenneth Dale Watson (BMI)
• Ned Nostril (and his South Seas Paradise, Put Your Blues on Ice, Cheap at Twice the Price Band, Icky Icky Ucky Ucky)
  by Ray Stevens (BMI) (courtesy of Narkspud, who actually owns the album and confirms that it's even printed this way on the label)
• Nobody Wants to Play Rhythm Guitar Behind Jesus (courtesy of Russell)
  by the Oak Ridge Boys - written by T.A. Hill (There's a Terry Allan Hill in the ASCAP database, but no titles registered)
• No Way, Conway (I Ain't Gonna Twitty Tonight) (courtesy of Narkspud)
  Supposedly recorded by Teresa Brewer.
• Occasional Wife
  Written by Robert William Scott (ASCAP)
• Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You (courtesy of Charles)
  According to Jeff, this is by Rolf Harris. Haven't been able to confirm it.
• One Day When You Swing That Skillet (My Face Ain't Gonna Be There)
  by Richard (Dick) Hardwick - courtesy of Tom.
• Our Love is Illegal, Cause Our Names Ain't the Same (courtesy of Ned)
• Out of My Head and Back in My Bed (courtesy of Stacy)
  Stacy says this was recorded by Loretta Lynn. I've found 2 similar titles in the BMI Database:
  "Out of my Head and Back in my Bed" by Snuff Garrett
  "Out of my Head and Back in Bed" by Peggy Forman
• Overlonely and Underkissed
• Pardon Me, I've Been Pardoned
  Written by Michael Manuel (BMI)
• Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
  by Johnny Paycheck (BMI) (courtesy of Charles)
• Phantom Of The Opry
  A whopping 7 entries in the BMI database for this one.
• Pick Me Up On Your Way Down
  by Patsy Cline (BMI)
• Pick Me Up Or Let Me Down
  by Hank Smith (SOCAN)
• Poultry Promenade
  by Diamond Rio (BMI)
• Prop Me Up Beside the Jukebox When I Die (courtesy of Laura)
  by Joe Diffie - written by Blaylock-Perdew-Phillips (BMI)
• Queen Of My Double-Wide Trailer Written by Dennis Linde
  Recorded by Sammy Kershaw, and Country Dance Kings
• Redneck Martians Stole My Baby
  by Hank Flamingo (BMI)
• Red Necks, White Socks, and Blue Ribbon Beer
  by Johnny Russell (ASCAP)
• Refried Dreams
  by Tim McGraw (BMI)
• Run for the Roundhouse Nellie (He Can't Corner You There)
  by Zeke Masters and his Band, Written by Julian Kay & Zeke Manners (ASCAP) (courtesy of "Narkspud")
• Saddle Up the Stove Ma, I'm Riding the Range Tonight (courtesy of Garnet)
• She Broke My Heart, I Broke Her Jaw (courtesy of Katrina)
  by Rick Stanley.
• She Can Put Her Shoes Under My Bed Anytime
  by Johnny Duncan (courtesy of Bill)
• She Dropped me in Denver So I Had a Whole Mile to Fall (courtesy of William)
  by The Gatlin Brothers
• She Feels Like A New Man Tonight.
  Five songs with this title in the BMI database.
• She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
  by Jerry Reed (courtesy of Charles)
• She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger (courtesy of Charles)
• She Looks Good Through the Bottom of My Shot Glass (courtesy of Marc)
• She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart (courtesy of Charles)
• She Offered Her Honor, He Honored Her Offer, and All Through the Night It Was Honor and Offer
  by Sligo Studio Band, written by Robert Bivens (BMI) (courtesy of "Narkspud")
• She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy
  Written by Jim Collins & Paul Overstreet (BMI)
• She Walked Across My Heart Like It Was Texas (courtesy of James)
• She's Actin' Single..... I'm Drinkin' Doubles
  by Gary Stewart (BMI).
• She's Got the Rhythm (And I Got the Blues)
• Skillet Full of Crisco
  written by Null Cecil Allen (BMI)
• Slap 'Er Down Again Paw
  by Arthur Godfrey (courtesy of "Narkspud")
• Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
  by Roy Clark (BMI)
• Thanks To The Cathouse, I'm In The Doghouse With You
  Written by Max Barnes, Frank Saulino & James Valentini (BMI)
• That "It's All Over" Feeling (All Over Again)
  by The Clarks - written by Stephen Clark & Rae Mac (ASCAP)
• The Alcohall of Fame
  by Wayne Kemp - from the album of the same name.
• The Bridge Washed Out and I Can't Swim and My Baby's On the Other Side
• The Last Word in Lonesome is Me
• The Man That Came Between Us (Was Me)
• The Old Home Fill 'er Up and Keep On Truckin' Cafe"
  by C. W. McCall (courtesy of "Narkspud")
• The Pint Of No Return.
• There Ain't Enough Room in my Fruit Of The Looms to Hold All My Lovin' For You (courtesy of Atley)
• There's A Tear In My Beer
  by Hank Williams
• They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out (courtesy of Charles)
  They Can Lock Me Up for Lovin' You, but They Can't Keep My Face from Breakin' Out (variation courtesy of Peter)
• This Good Girl's Gonna Go Bad
  by Tammy Wynette(courtesy of Bill)
• This White Circle on My Finger Means We're Through
  by Kitty Wells (courtesy of Bill)
• Tight Fittin' Jeans
  Two songs in the BMI database with this title.
• Timber... I'm Fallin In Love (courtesy of Kathy)
  by Patty Loveless. Written by "Kostas" (BMI)
• Trainwreck Of Emotion
  Written by Allen Kohnhurst & Jonathan Vezner (ASCAP)
• Up Against the Wall, Redneck Mother
  by Jerry Jeff Walker "Great Gonzos" (courtesy of Ed) Also recorded by Willie Nelson, written by Ray Hubbard (ASCAP)
• Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart (courtesy of Charles)
  Did find a song in the BMI database called "Velcro Heart"
• Waitin' In Your Welfare Line
  by Buck Owens (BMI)
• Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I'll Think You're Walking In
  Four songs in the BMI database called "Walk Out Backwards"
• Warm Beer and Cold Kisses
  by Stallins & Crowe (BMI)
• Warm Beer Cold Women
  by Tom Waits (ASCAP) Wouldn't call Tom Waits country, though....
• We Feed Our Babies Onions So We Can Find 'Em In The Dark (courtesy of Stephen)
• We Used To Kiss On The Lips, But It's All Over Now (courtesy of Cheryl)
• Welcome to Dumpsville, Population Me
  Two songs in the BMI database called "Welcome to Dumpsville" (courtesy of Jim)
• What Made Milwaukee Famous Has Made a Loser Out of Me
• When the Lightning Struck the Coon Creek Party Line
  by Hoosier Hot Shots (courtesy of "Narkspud")
• When You Wrapped My Lunch in a Road Map, I Knew You Meant Good-Bye (from Sally in Sacramento)
• Which Way Do I Go (Now That I'm Gone) ?
  by Waylon Jennings - written by Stephen Clark & Rae Mac (ASCAP)
• Who's Gonna Mow Your Grass?
  by Buck Owens (BMI)
• Who's Gonna Take The Garbage Out When I'm Dead And Gone?
• Who's Makin' Time with the Time Keeper's Daughter, when the Time Keeper's Keepin' Time? (courtesy of Steve)
• Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?
  by Shania Twain & Mutt Lange (ASCAP)
• Why Have You Left the One You Left Me For? 
  by Crystal Gayle, also recorded by Ronnie Milsap (courtesy of the Johnson family)
• Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw
  by Jimmy Buffett "All the Great Hits" (courtesy of Karen, James & Ed)
• Would Jesus Wear A Rolex On His Television Show?
  by Ray Stevens, Written by Chet Atkins & Margaret Archer (BMI)
• Yard Sale (12 exciting songs share this title in the BMI database)
• You Ain't Much Fun Since I Quit Drinkin'
  by Toby Keith (BMI) (courtesy of Chili)
• You Ain't Woman Enough To Take My Man
  by Loretta Lynn (courtesy of Bill)
• You Ain't Nothin' But a Hound Dog ('s Leavins') (courtesy of Jim)
• You can Lock Me Up in Jail & Throw Away the Key, But You Can't Keep My Face from Breaking Out
  by Randy Scruggs (courtesy of Dave )
• You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too.
• You Can't Haul a U-Haul Into Heaven
  written by Clark-Mac-Northrup (ASCAP)
• You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
  by Roger Miller (BMI)
• You Changed Your Name From Brown to Jones, and Mine From Brown to Blue
  Apparently by a British spoof country singer, "Hank Wangford." Courtesy of Jan from Essex.
• You Done Blacked My Blue Eyes Once Too Often (courtesy of Dave)
• You Done Changed my Lifestyle
  by Earl Hines (BMI)
• You Done Me Wrong, But at Least You Done Me! (courtesy of Aaron )
  Several songs titled "You Done Me Wrong" appear in the databases.
• You Done My Brain In
  by Neil James Innes (BMI)
• You Done Stomped On my Heart (and You Mashed That Sucker Flat)
  According to multiple emails, this was written by Mason Williams (yes, the "Classical Gas" guy) and recorded by various artists including John Denver.
  "You done stomped on my heart and mashed that sucker flat, you just sorta, stomped on my aorta.
  You started going out with guys, I felt us drift apart, and every step you took, was a stomp right on my heart."
• You Done The Wrong Woman Wrong
  written by Connie Rae Harrington (ASCAP)
• You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Banister Of Life (courtesy of Charles)
• You'd think my Bed was a Bus Stop, the Way You Come and Go (several submissions)
• Your Negligee Has Turned To Flannel Nightgowns.
• You're Not Free & I'm Not Easy
  written by Herb Coleman & Robert Morrison (ASCAP)
• You're The Hangnail In My Life, And I Can't Bite You Off
  by Hoyt Axton, Written by Woody Bowles (BMI)(courtesy of Eli)
• You're a Hard Dog To Keep Under The Porch
  by Gail Davies (BMI) (courtesy of Susan)
• You're Going To Ruin My Bad Reputation
  Could this be "My Bad Reputation" by Woody Guthrie?
• You're Out Of Step (With The Beat Of My Heart)
• You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly (courtesy of Charles, with more info from Ray))
  By Lola Jean Dillon & L.E. White (BMI) Apparently also recorded by Loretta Lynn & Conway Twitty
• You're The Ring Around My Bathtub, You're The Hangnail Of My Life
• You've Already Put Big Old Tears In My Eyes, Must You Throw Dirt In My Face?
  by The Louvin Brothers (courtesy of Art)
• You've Got Sawdust On The Floor Of Your Heart
  by Sneezy Waters (courtesy of Paul)
• 80 Proof Bottle of Tear Stopper
• 800 Pound Jesus
  by Sawyer Brown. Written by Billy Maddox & Paul Thorn (BMI)

 
And all-time fave:

• Get Your Tongue Out Of My Mouth, Because I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
  Coincidentally, also the title of a 1993 book by Playboy magazine columnist Cynthia Heimel.

There are some novelty songs that deserve to be listed just because their titles sound so authentic:
If I'd a Knowed that You'd a Wanted to of Went with Me, I'd a Seed that You'd a Got to Get to Go From Martin Mull's "Fernwood 2Night" TV show, sung by "Elwood P. Suggins" (courtesy of James)
She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty (courtesy of Charles) A novelty song from the 1940s by Larry Vincent (ASCAP)
I'd Like You a Whole Lot Better if We Slept Together (courtesy of Dan) We're pretty sure this is actually "I might like you better if we slept together," which is a line from the 1981 song "Never Say Never" by Romeo Void, a New Wave band - pretty much the least country-like song on the list! (You can listen to a RealAudio file on their website and hear for yourself.)
Then there's Tom Scott, who came up with an appropriate original title for me: "I Made Up The Title, You Make Up The Song"
Scott Orr went an extra step and actually wrote an original song: "I Kissed Her On the Lips, and Left Her Behind for You"
And my next favourite original title, from Laura: "Go Back To Texas and Cheesey French Fry Lake"
 
You can find another great list at www.coloradobluegrass.org/jokes.htm - there's some overlap, but Sandy has a lot of unique titles too!

Tags: Music,Comedy